Do I have something to be more careful with?

Of course Garner and Affleck have their own personal story but what an advance that was with Ben Affleck saying something like that to Garner on msn. I think she should still feel a freedom to say "no," but it is their story..... I still feel a lot of Bollywood talk has got me nowhere. I know I still have an occasional sob in my throat from time to time. And, this day today they may comfort me as they seem, but I'm still alone and isolated. Right now there is one main Bollywood I feel to focus on, but am I really breaking other men's hearts and even one particular I would focus on? I've had my Burmuda soap opera drama and even though I am a politically correct single female bachelor; my heart wants to hesitate and handle other boats and planes with a little more care. With some questionable signs I've seen and my own personal fears with deaf Butches, being mishad, mishandled, mistaken I want all boats and planes to feel shot down. The Butch phobia has gotten worse through time and I feel I've had no other choice than to be over-protective of myself. ...Right now mystery Mike is the one that gives me the strongest feeling in the paranormal. He mostly says the right things in my mind and though more tangible signs increase, he isn't putting the action to his words enough in keeping me from feeling alone and isolated. Mystery Mike, I think you laugh some at the way we were never married and official but when you beg for me through Affleck, how are you really saying "It was the biggest regret."? Besides me not getting whatever or whoever you cheated on me with (besides the isolation and loneliness) the thing that makes me mad is the way I don't think you get yourself with the way you want to come across to me. You look like you seriously want to obligate yourself to me and there is some care to my emotional well-being (can't hide how seriously damaged it is) you still won't give me the relief I need. I can't stand how much no one ever understood me enough YET YOU MAKE QUITE AN APPROACH and I can only keep looking back at you with "In degrees wasting time" and me thinking "why won't you get me?" In my mind Mystery Mike, you were showing some fairness and understanding, but you want to hook me more and leave me in the same anxiety. Get it Mystery Mike, get it. ...I was actually going to write another blog today with so many thoughts going through my mind but its just too much to talk out loud about in one blog. another rainy day …

Ship Reassesment and Looking at Boat #6

.....Boat #6..... hmm hmm hmm. You have me outsmarted some. You really do; but not in entirety. While I can't control my history; the same hell hole repeats of gangsters and dipshits; the way I seem to get stuck in the same quarantine; the same way the stalker and stalker's actions will always seem to be my problem and responsibility; I will plead for you to reassess yourself and whatever it is you want to do. You rightfully see me as an injured person, but you should care that you should be any different. You just don't understand how the last bollywoods who came my way (mostly the hockey team that I couldn't dodge) drove me insane and want to make me scream bloody murder so much harder. There are certain men and gangster men that I am very serious with with how much of a serious injustice they are to me. The "gangster's paradise," I've lived in IS NO PARADISE. You sure let yourself have the upper hand in being the predator you are but you seriously might be jealous or intimidated with the number of bollywoods I've been through. My main point is still there with you are still just as Bollywood as anyone no matter how intimidated or jealous you could be and I don't care about whatever bonus points you could get with my ego with "at least you are jealous and intimidated." I believe you know more about me than I know about you and this in another disadvantage and unfairness I have in feeling blindsided with the predator you are.... I do want to have more consideration for you. In my present time of feeling injured and weak, yes it is hard for me to look at you. It is difficult to know whether or not you are another gang banger. It is most difficult to look at you with you are another obvious Bollywood that I most likely will not win with and you get to win your control anyway. You are right in that I don't want to feel more injured than I already do and the predator you are will use it against me... You should find a way to woo me more, initiate yourself into my gang and convince me you are not in David Duchovny's gang or are with any other gang banger. And, most important of all, like any of the rest of them, you have to break out of your Bollywood and meet me in person...good before the bad and ugly. What is the ugly? You have threatened me as a Draper and your real life status and my punk ass bitch better not take you on the way I have the others. RED ALERT GANGSTER DRAPER ALERT . If there comes a day where I feel I am playing a very dangerous game of chicken with you; THAT DAY MAY COME Leading to the next reassessment: What would you do if I got myself shot? What would you do if you meant to keep me severely disrespected and humiliated and in return I had the smarts enough to especially humiliate and disrespect you to the point that I was shot, or that you would actually become a real wife beater. Whether or not you would be a real wife beater, would you really still have your pride if something bad were to happen to me? Do you feel that you have nothing to lose at all if you were to be severely unfair, severely disrespectful, and severely humiliating to me? ...Don't be another "Rebel without a cause," Bollywood repeat with me. I don't know how long I will go until I let myself start to look at you. I really don't want to have to deal with another Bollywood and I want you to treat me to normalcy and talk to me in person. If you look at my injured self too much as a hungry wolf, I will believe you are not the right guy for me. I will have a proposed dutch date that I will eventually make with you if you continue to stay in my head. I will plan it, and you will choose whether or not you will meet me in person and I will enable myself to keep you squared away with the choices you make or don't make. I will know the effort and protection I made in wanting to decide whether or not I want you to have your way with me. Some guys think they can dodge or outsmart my efforts BUT THEY NEVER DID. Woo me boat 6. Initiate yourself..…...

Drama

While I'm not being discreet with Cervelli, I have decided to be mostly discreet with some Russian Burmuda drama that isn't fair..... First off, is Cervelli. I have a strong belief that he does have a girlfriend behind my back but I really don't know why he would choose to lead me on. I am not understanding his intentions or agenda. If he was someone I could completely believe in; I would want to. I can't believe in Cervelli, so I won't. How does that feel to keep testing me knowing your doing nothing to prove your trust? You mean double standard unfair player..... While I do give Cervelli his own personal credit, I know of a lesser famous person he looks like who I know I have never wanted to mess with but it messing with me and I must give some kind of response... Man this whole thing kills me. He should know I have never been into open relationships. I have my own personal double standard when it comes to occupations and it really was his occupation that was the main reason that I didn't have an open enough mind..... Now there is another reason that he is married. I should feel more homewrecked than his wife should: and I do, but it wasn't that he and I even chanced each other when we had a chance. His timing is rude and also feeds the flame to the initial impression I had against him in his occupation...I could have had an open mind or an emotional outlook and support for him if he could be troubled in some way, but I have distrust and assumption that he could have mean motives. If he feels pressure in Bollywood with Ariana and Mack; I am not responsible for any Bollywood stories or tabloids that could have come of it.... He breaks my heart with wherever he is coming from in an unexpected way

Burmuda Love

I'm looking at Pete in several different ways right now, and usually, I'm too much of something else to wear my rose-colored glasses. I don't know why I keep some kind of faith in Pete, but I do. I would guess my "Richard Gere," to be Jon throwing himself on me in front of everyone right now. I don't always watch my back when people bullshit about me, but for the sake of Pete, I'm letting you know that I'm not hooking up with Jon at all. He's 10x worse than to ever wear rose colored glasses for and I've been past the point in playing myself with any naïve games. He is on my bad side for life. I could send him dead roses for more years to come on a day like today's Valentines Day. Whatever he wants to send me roses for; he has my dead roses in return. .... While you're not completely staying in touch with your anger Pete, I can tell I upset you, and I may upset you again, but I'm wearing my rose-colored glasses right now hoping that I won't be too triggered into any more fast moves or anything. I don't like some questionable signs and the way I feel paranoid with what could be your gossip and trash talk. While I'm not much of a fan of Adele either with the share she has with an ex-friend Carissa who has trash talked me and wanted to be controlling,..., the "Chasing Pavements," is a song I feel I can relate to. It is the depression after "Ghost." What is the point in taking the time on you; giving a shit; letting you have any more lovemaking and sexual wins if we're always going to be stuck in Burmuda and I have a feeling I just won't see you again? Should I just keep on chasing pavements? I know I want you, I cringe in wanting to find you out more because you could be more mean and terrible than I realize, and I'm depressed for you. I'm not entirely depressed, but I feel led on where I feel like it would lead nowhere with us. Like, for whatever stubborn reason, you probably won't break out of your Bollywood and see me and have a normal relationship in person. I'm depressed and don't want to feel alone without you......I'll eventually let myself get over you... Right now is the depression phase.....

Whale Talk: Not Stuck in the Basement Cage Yet

I have a situation where I can only give it my best guess because these people are seriously too distant.....real risky business with real strangers. I think it was Sal's evil provocation and murder scene that he now wants to cover up and act like we're best friends. Not sure if he is still working in the basement, but I'm not sure why he would test me like that. Was it his revenge, his own daredevil thrill, or he really wants to pick me to hate me for another vengeful reason I don't know. With the way he wants to look like he is my friend, my shots called: a hit and run behind my back, and he is running around with his own dolled up version of me. I have no other choice than to let myself squirm out loud. He could be in the "Pete," arbitrage, but he hasn't been the recent Pete I've been talking about. I think it was Sal who made a Wicked situation out of another Wicked situation. I'm still staring down Lauren's shot caller Sal. If you keep putting me under some kind of pressure from a distance and in the dark, my pressure is "Sars" Ever seen Lar's and the Real Girl?" (movie about a man with a blow up doll) (my newest name of Pamela is not from Adlon, but Anderson, and some people do have it right) (While I don't like Adlon, it wasn't her fault what "Stew" did. THEREFOR it's not on her). that's my name call pressure to your jackass. Sal- Lars- Sars. You don't have my trust, and I can only assume you to be an enemy. My radar could be off, but my guess is that it is you I am talking about. (If you ever do reintroduce yourself, you seriously have to let me know it's you and say your name)

unreal

I love Desperate housewives. The drama. The comedy. The entertainment. Some mysterious connections as well.
Do I take it seriously? No.
There are always going to be some obsessed "mothers that are trying to look out for me." But, I'm my own independent judge. Even if it is a Burmuda to me: in reality and in Bermuda, I trust myself.
Crazy to make choices while in Burmuda, a person never knows possible potentials or what the twisted hidden thing is.
I like adventure. I like to either figure things out or play around with my imagination in my bored life.
That being said..............
Moscow, Alec/Alex is the one I can make out most. I think the baseball A-Rod may be involved along with the real ethnic Russian that I met in person. I have high suspects that he either looks like a police officer or some sort of agent but he could be his own person in NY.
The real Russian sees either me or my sister in Eva. I think Lynette is Kate Hudson and she may suspect Moscow as A-Rod.

I have an honest attraction to the Moscow I met in person.
I can't believe how much can be made out of meeting a man in one time.
Anyway. Even though I can hide my feelings well, I say what is on my mind to prove a point: I'm stronger than my jealousy.
I don't care if it is Josh or David.
The real Russian, fine, I have some jealousy. But I've experienced jealousy before. I've been through some men before.
It doesn't break my determination.
I don't want to get involved in a ridiculous soap opera. That is a drama in itself outside of Desperate Housewives.
I know how the game goes with some men: Words and even actions are not always taken into account. If they see any emotion whatsoever, it means to all that they must still have you.
No.
I do make effort to move on with life. I do make effort to pursue other things and continue to live with determination.
It doesn't seem I have gotten far and thats what leads me back to the male driven assumption and trap: Any hint of emotion must mean that he still has her. No.

It leads me to my next unanswered thought: With my instincts feeling so real, how do I survive on my own and gain independence and convince the man that we shouldn't be together? It seems like it never has been fair conversation or even an opportunity for conversation.
Not just with him, but with others.
I think some men burn on the inside more than others with the single issue of a female wanting an equal say at calling the shots.
Maybe its not about love, lust, or anything else, just the burning of having to be a Chauvenist or maybe even a mysogynist.

I'd love to put Brittany Spears Circus on, but I would rather be taken very seriously.